The final Stefon sketch from Saturday Night Live.
The Stefon bit was one of my favorites. I’m gonna miss him
Me for the past three days!
Paleo Banana Bread
After starting the paleo diet, I started craving the exact foods I wasn’t allowed to eat. This is my first...
Apologies for the terrible image quality - I’m lacking scanner access at the minute so I had to take these photos on my phone
I was...
Weekend Workout: The Dominatrix
Ready to get whipped?
This is a BRUTAL total body workout for beginners to advanced alike. You don’t need equipment, but advanced exercisers can add more of a challenge by adding dumbbells to the movements.
YOU NEED to push yourself through this workout! The Dominatrix requires nothing but your undying servitude. Imagine you have someone there cracking the whip as you move through it. It goes fast, but the more effort you put in, the more you’ll get out of it.
You’ll complete all 10 exercises (no breaks) for 69 seconds each (I know, I couldn’t help myself!). Rest 69 seconds & repeat the circuit twice.
Do your best and make modifications to YOUR level (I added modifiers to each of the descriptions below). Beginners who find it challenging can add a short 30 second breaks when needed. Advanced exercisers can add a third circuit or add weight to each of the exercises.
Time: 30 minutes including warm up.
Equipment: Chair, timer (or stop watch), a mat. Dumbbells are optional.
How To Do It
Warm Up: 5 minutes. Jog in place, squats, jacks, jump rope etc. Don’t stop moving for 5 minutes, then take a quick water break before starting.
Set your timer for 22 rounds of 69 seconds each. Hit ‘Start’ and complete all 10 exercises for 69 seconds each. Rest 69 seconds & repeat the circuit.
Cooldown: Walk in place for 2-3 minutes, then stretch.
Exercise Details & Modifications
Crack The Whip Leaps
(a.k.a. Sassy Skater Jumps).
From standing, get low in an athletic stance (knees bent). Pushing off your left leg, leap to the right landing on your right foot & crossing your left leg behind you (tap to the floor or stay balanced). As you land, bring your left arm in front and imagine you’re cracking a whip 10 feet in front of you. Repeat alternating sides.
The deeper and faster the movement, the harder it is. Go your own pace.
Modifiers: Beginners can step from side to side & reduce range of motion. Advanced can hold a medicine ball or dumbbell tight to the chest as they leap, or simply get lower/faster in the movement.
Ass Kickers
(a.k.a. Butt Kick Runs)
From a standing position, run in place, bringing your heels as close to your butt as possible. Squeeze the glutes & hamstrings as you hop from foot to foot.
Speed & intensity are key here. Pump your arms as you run for a bonus burn, and only go as fast as you can while maintaining proper form. Contract the abs to keep from swaying from side to side.
Modifiers: jog in place or high knee runs.
X-Rated Plank Pushups
(a.k.a. Pushup With Swivel)
Drop down into a plank or pushup position. Keeping your hands directly under your shoulders and core tight (get that butt DOWN), rotate your right knee to your left elbow (see pic). Twist through the core, and repeat on the other side (like drawing an ‘X’ with your knees). Return to plank and do 1 pushup. Repeat.
Modifier: come to your knees for the pushup, and reduce range of motion & speed. Advanced people: try the pushup on one leg, alternating sides.
Butt Burners
(a.k.a. Step-Ups with Reverse Leg Lift)
You’ll need a chair, bench or step for this one. Plant your right foot in the center of your chair and push through the heel to lift yourself up, drawing your opposite knee into your chest as you step. Step down, stay standing tall and lift your right leg out behind you. Without replacing your right foot to the ground, swing it through back to the step up. Repeat.
Note: the photos have you facing different directions, but I want you to face the chair as though you were stepping on it, and balance for the lift keeping your posture tall. You don’t need to lift high, just enough to feel the contraction. Keep your core tight so you don’t over-extend your lower back & tap down for balance (or use the chair) if you need to.
Modifiers: Beginners can just do the step up without the lift. Advanced? Add dumbbells.
Torture Table Crunches
(a.k.a Crab Crunch)
Sit with legs in front of you, knees bent, and feet hip-width apart on the floor. Place hands shoulder-width apart on floor behind you, with thumbs forward and fingertips at a slight diagonal. Lift your hips off the floor and extend right leg just barely off floor; bring left hand behind head.
Crunch forward, bringing right knee toward chest and rotating left elbow in to meet it; for more challenge, simultaneously bend right elbow to dip toward floor.Alternate sides for each rep, or do 30-ish seconds per side (since you’re doing the circuit twice, you can opt for once on the right, and once on the left).
Modifiers: Come to table top, and simply alternate bringing your knees to your chest. If that’s too difficult, beginners can also do bicycle crunches instead.
Assassin Lunges
(a.k.a. Lunge With Rotation)
From a standing position, lunge your right leg forward and lower your body down (weight in the heel of the lunging foot). Clasping your hands together (I recommend making a “finger” gun) & keeping your hips facing FORWARDS, rotate towards the right wall. Imagine you’re shooting someone directly to the right of you. Rotate back to center & push through the heel to return to standing. Repeat alternating sides.
Modifications: Use a dumbbell instead of a finger ‘gun’ for added intensity. Beginners can reduce range of motion (just do regular lunges) and reduce speed.
Squat Hold
(didn’t need a more painful name. It’s painful enough right?)
Feet wider than shoulder width apart, sink down into a squat. Keep your chest open, and push your butt to the back of the room. Weight should be in the heels of your feet, and thighs parallel to the floor (or past parallel if you’re advanced). Make sure your knees stay over the top of your toes but not beyond. Arms out in front of you for balance, or behind your head for a challenge. Hold it here.
Modification: you can do a wall sit instead, or take mini-breaks when you need to. If you get tired, try simple body weight squats until you can hold it again.
Advanced? Add pulses.
Kill it. Don’t let it kill YOU.
The idea of doing this workout this weekend is exciting me incredibly so. SO FUCKING PUMPED. [no pun intended, I swear]